


Michael’s SQUIP

by PlayerOneMell



Category: Be More Chill
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Cuddling, Cutting, Depression, Insomnia, Jer is shorter than Michael, Kisses, Lots of Michael angst, M/M, Pet Names, Post: SQUIP, Razor - Freeform, Self Harm, Senior year, There is no actual SQUIP, angsty boyfs, bathroom Scene (mentioned), boyf riends - Freeform, slight fluff but not toooo much, video games - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 06:45:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14587275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayerOneMell/pseuds/PlayerOneMell
Summary: Michael never had a SQUIP and will never get one. He doesn't really need one when he's got his own voice in his head telling him everything that's wrong with him. But Mountain Dew Red can't save Michael, so what can?(Michael doesn’t actually get SQUIPped)





	Michael’s SQUIP

Michael has always struggled with troubling thoughts. After saving Jeremy, he is glad his best friend is okay. He thought he would be okay too, but he is clearly wrong. He watches Jeremy date Christine and break up with her. He watches Jeremy fall in love with him. He watches them become a couple. He watches himself close Jeremy off. 

“Michael? Are you okay?” Jeremy asks, putting their video game on pause.  
“Yeah fine.” Michael says, keeping his eyes on the screen. 

Jeremy has slowly picked up on Michael’s behavior over the past few months. They’ve almost been dating for year, and even though overjoyed, something’s wrong with Michael Mell. Jeremy can just sense it, but he doesn’t want to push. Well, maybe he wants to push politely.

“Don’t start playing.” Jeremy says sliding over to his boyfriend, taking his controller. “I know there’s something going on with you. You can’t keep me in the dark Michael, I worry about you.” 

Michael doesn’t know how to respond. Michael’s dealt with depression ever since he panicked in the bathroom, and his anxiety has truly taken a toll on him. Michael Mell has developed a bit of insomnia as well, and he’s anything but mentally stable. He wants Jeremy to help, but where does he even start? 

“Jeremy I…” Michael’s breath is audible. “I don’t know where to start.” He admits truthfully putting the control down. “Can we just…keep playing?”  
“Sure.” Jeremy shrugs, knowing Michael doesn’t want to be pushed. 

Michael and Jeremy play Mario Kart with a little more noise. Michael fakes his happiness for Jeremy. Anything for Jeremy. Jeremy can’t know. 

————

Rich slams Michael’s locker against Michael’s hand. Michael squeaks a little bit shaking his hand off in the air. 

“Mell! I did not mean to do that!” Rich exclaims.  
“It’s cool, Goranski.” Michael smiles at the blistering feeling in his hand. “It’s all good.” 

Michael is pleased with the feeling he feels in his hand. He pockets the hand and smiles at Rich. Michael’s depression just opened him up to a whole new world of possibilities. 

Michael heads home for the weekend alone because Jeremy is going out of town for some reason Michael can’t recall. He heads home to deal with the thoughts eating at his head, and heart. The burning against his ribs. The insomnia that will burn his eyes at four in the morning.

Four in the morning strikes on Michael’s clock. Michael feels himself panic and he bites down on his hand hard. He fell asleep on the phone with Jeremy. Jeremy is probably still awake dealing with issues of his own, also known as night terrors.

“Come on Mell…don’t do this to yourself.” Michael sighs but feels himself get out of bed. 

He thinks of the SQUIP and all Jeremy had to deal with. Michael never needed a SQUIP, never even considered it. He knows being popular isn't worth it, and a voice in his head tells him how worthless he is all the time. Michael kind of had a SQUIP of his own. Michael had his own voice in his head. However, it’s not a super computer. It’s all him.

Michael limps into the bathroom. He grabs a razor and holds it against his flawless skin…and now it’s not flawless. The maroon goo drips down Michael’s right forearm. He hears his phone ring, but he’s too woozy to go get it and continues to make marks down his arms. 

Jeremy is calling Michael frantically because he has just suffered from a SQUIP nightmare, but Michael doesn’t seem to be picking up. Jeremy knows something is wrong if Michael’s not picking up.

“Hey Michael…you’re not picking up. I know you’re awake so I’m coming over.” Jeremy says leaving a message, and driving over to Michael’s house. 

Michael has no idea what’s going on and continues to press the blades into his once soft skin painting a picture with blood. Jeremy rushes in through the door and can tell Michael’s in the bathroom as he sprints up the stairs. 

“Jeremy?” Michael asks, tears in his eyes as his depression has a hold on his heart.  
“I knew something was off.” Jeremy mumbles. He takes the razor out of Michael’s hand. “Let me clean you up.” 

Jeremy runs Michael’s arm under the cold water. Michael winces in pain as Jeremy bandages him. He walks with Michael back to his bed, and Jeremy holds Michael as best he can in his arms. Jeremy’s slightly shorter, and that proposes a challenge.

“Why did this happen?” Jeremy asks, softly. His voice is light.  
“There’s so much…Jeremy…I’ve developed a lot of things over the years.”  
“Okay?”  
“And well…after the SQUIP issue I thought when you were okay? I’d be okay. But I got worse. I’m an insomniac now, and depressed and I suffer from extreme anxiety.” Michael pauses. “Even worse than before.”

Jeremy sighs, pulling Michael close to him and his fingers run through Michael’s hair. Michael can't seem to help himself and let his lips crash into Jeremy's. It releases the tension in his shoulders and he lets out a sigh that Jeremy catches with his own lips. 

“I'm glad you told me.” Jeremy whispers with their faces so close. “But when you're feeling like this you have to tell me.” 

Jeremy lays down next to Michael. Their bodies face each other and very close together because of how small the bed is. Michael and Jeremy have their hand that's further away from the bed, hold each other's. The one that's closer wonders a bit. Michael's hand brushes some hair away from Jeremy's ocean eyes and Jeremy's hand is stroking Michael's cheek lovingly. 

“I was just scared of how you'd react. What you'd say.” Michael confesses. The outside and inside hands switch allowing Michael to place his arm around Jeremy's waist. “I'm sorry.”  
“Never do that again.” Jeremy's still whispering.

Michael realizes there's small crystal orbs falling from Jeremy's face. Michael wipes away Jeremy's tears with the hand that used to be on his waist. He feels guilty.

“I am sorry.” Michael sighs, looking at how upset he's made his boyfriend. “Jeremy, I'm so sorry.”  
“Please.” Jeremy says quietly. “Please let me help you.”

Michael sighs remembering that Jeremy isn't an insomniac like him. Michael looks at the fear in Jeremy's eyes, and just knows it isn't just because of what he just witnessed.

“Jer, did you have another nightmare?” Michael asks.  
“Yes, but this is so much worse.”  
“Why?”  
“Cause I've had a nightmare about this before.” Jeremy's voice croaks. “Please. Don't let my nightmares be real.”  
“I'm sorry.” 

Michael brings Jeremy tighter in his arms caressing the back of his head letting him cry. Jeremy shakes a little but sniffs his cries. He makes them stop. Jeremy wants to support Michael right now.

“It's okay. Just please never do that again.”  
“I won't. I will try my best.”  
“And call me if it happens again.” Jeremy says, going back to their position of looking at each other.  
“I promise, I will.”  
“I'd do anything for you, Michael.”  
“You would?”  
“In a heartbeat.” 

——————————

Michael's breathing is almost non existent as he fiddles for his phone. As Jeremy answers, he couldn't get words out. Jeremy knows what he has to do and gets over to Michael. Michael gets one streak deep this time. Jeremy cleans the cut. Jeremy snuggles with Michael in his bed once again.

“Sorry.” Michael's crying this time.  
“Sorry I couldn't get here sooner.” Jeremy sighs. “I'm sorry.”  
“Not your fault.”

Jeremy pulls Michael in closer. He doesn't let him escape his grasp. He needs Michael in his life. Michael's voices don't die down with Mountain Dew Red; Jeremy is Michael's Mountain Dew Red. 

“I wanted to be here for you. I was late.” Jeremy says.  
“Hey, but you're here now. And I'm glad you are.” Michael kisses Jeremy's head. “I love you.”  
“Love you too Mikey.” Jeremy looks into Michael's eyes. “Buddy, I need you to stop doing this. Okay?”  
“I'm sorry.”  
“Can we get you some medical help or something? Maybe therapy would help.” Jeremy asks, only wanting to help his hurting boy.

Michael shakes his head in disagreement. He's seen Jeremy go through therapy when his parents split and he made Michael go with him to the appointments because Jeremy had trouble speaking to a therapist. Jeremy always had an easier time talking to Michael. Michael feels the same way, Jeremy is the only person he wants to talk to.

“Just you, please.” Michael says.  
“All right, then you have to talk to me Mikey.” Jeremy says, being bold. “Tell me.”  
“Just…the way you left me? It hurt. And I guess…it was like throwing my fears into my face. Leaving me with a shattered heart. All these pieces I couldn't clean up.” Michael sighs. “I guess watching you with new friends is difficult. I just miss having you around. I miss you. I love you so much it hurts. I've been holding this in for so long.” Michael's tears stream freely down his face.  
“Hey, it’s okay.” Jeremy says. “I'll try to be around more. I don't really enjoy spending time with people who aren't you. Okay?”  
“Okay.” Michael mumbles.  
“I will always be here for you Mikey. I'd pause my game for you.” Jeremy says, sweetly.

And Jeremy does. Every time Michael needs him. Whether it’s pausing Apocalypse of the Damned, or Mario kart, or pausing his life cause he's at a party. Jeremy helps Michael through it all. Jeremy helps Michael heal so Michael doesn't have to deal with the voices in his head anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Hope you enjoy the angst. Why? Cause I have loads of angst in store!!! I am currently writer a funnier fic, kind of comedic. Hope you guys really liked this one though!  
> See you next post! :P


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